Love ‘Em and Let ‘Em Go…At the Same Time: Freeing Yourself From Co-dependent and Attachment Behaviors

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Students completing The Addictions Academy Mastermind Mentorship program are now able to navigate so many avenues of their business. Each and every student is following their own unique path and we are here to offer tools and to guide them to follow their individual passions and Live The Life They Want!

Please meet Tricia Parido!  

Tricia Parido has devoted the past six years to deeply educating herself from a counseling, therapeutic, and coaching realm around the psychological aspects of addiction and addiction treatment. This passion came from within her personal journey spanning more than two decades, a story that holds many chapters of success but equally as many of trials and trauma’s much earlier in life. This is what affords her the ability to relate to the multifaceted layers the lead to issues with the many faces of addiction and recovery. From sexual abuse, domestic violence, chemical substance addiction, eating disorders, to process addictions such as impulsive shopping, co-dependency, and attachment disorders. Not to mention what a parent is faced with when a child falls gravely ill. Tricia is a recovered addict, and adult child of an addict, and a mother to a child that battles addiction. So, if you are looking for a Certified Recovery Coach and a Master Addictions Coach that can show you exactly how to experience success in your life the way you want to see it. Tricia Parido is the Certified Life Coach to do just that. Call her direct at (805)710-2513 or visit https://turningleavesrecovery.com

 

Love ‘Em and Let ‘Em Go…At the Same Time: Freeing Yourself From Co-dependent and Attachment Behaviors

April 9, 2019 | by Tricia Parido | Certified International Master Addictions Coach/Certified Life Coach at Turning Leaves Recovery Life and Wellness Coaching

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It’s no secret: everyone wants to feel loved and needed, and whether it will be willingly admitted or not, this is especially true for women. The tasks associated with being a new mom, dealing with aging youth, or even facing the reality of what it will be like to be an empty nester put many women in a position to not be truly prepared for what these realities will do to their emotions. The by-products of each of these situations generally result in issues of co-dependency and attachment. Unfortunately, many women are unsuspecting that it will ever happen to them. What’s even more eye-opening is the fact that many fail to recognize these issues for what they are.

So, what is it then, that causes one to be drawn so deeply into the role of mother, wife, or caretaker of everyone and everything? It could be surmised that the giving of one’s self is the natural thing to do. Perhaps. But in so doing, are we helping or hindering? For example, when we do too much for our children, rather than teaching them to do things for themselves, we position them to not become self-sufficient young adults.

Not only that, but the mother now has an overwhelming attachment to being needed; she must always be a part of every plan, every function, every grade, providing for every desire and whim. It may seem like she’s being an active part of her child’s life, but the truth of the matter is that this is dysfunctional. In losing herself in others, the mother no longer knows what defines her as an individual being. She has no concept of what brings joy to her on a personal level.

In fact, many who do this find themselves waking up one day and discovering that their best friend is the bottle of wine they drink during the day while they are home alone doing the chores or cleaning up after everyone else while they are away at school, work, activities, etc. They also notice that the amount of arguments pertaining to daily shopping excursions has increased drastically. And even worse, now one dozen of baked cookies is not enough – not because more people are eating them – but because they can’t or don’t control how many they eat before everyone is home.

You may be wondering where co-dependency and attachment disorders come from. They are derived from the past and, quite honestly, they are addictions that result from a number of things to include: external validation of being useful; addiction to numbing oneself from their own needs through the distraction of caretaking of others, their needs, and other mindless tasks; or addiction to just being needed. The busier they are, the better they are. They will do anything to not be left quiet so that they can deal with what is truly going on inside. They are conditioned behaviors that need to be shifted into a healthy functioning, which can be achieved through working with a Certified Addictions Coach, Recovery Coach, or properly educated Life Coach.

What isn’t realized is that more frequently than most would think, these actions eventually don’t fill the void well enough. This is when it becomes an inadvertent act to start having an afternoon drink, impulsively purchasing 10 unnecessary items that weren’t on the errand list or binging on the bakery treats in the car before reaching the house.

So, when these unexpecting women come to my office for help from a Life Coach, usually under the guise of regaining control of the alcohol consumption before it gets any further out of hand, or someone finds them out, they are extremely surprised to learn that their issue isn’t just the alcohol. It is years of conditioned behavior that generally stem back to their youth that have created a belief system that their worth and value stem from other people and how good they can do things for them or simply how much.

Then, after a period of what often looks like resistance to change or an inability to stop engaging in the co-dependencies and their eyes and ears are open, behavior and perception shifts begin to happen. It isn’t a short process regaining or creating a new sense of self, but it is achievable, just as recovery from any addiction is achievable.

Here are 10 things that I tell women working with a Recovery Coach they need to know or create from the perspective of a Certified Interventionist to either ward off attachment issues developing or to foster maintainable autonomy going forward. In a nutshell, these steps will help them love ‘em and let ‘em go all at the same time:

 

  1. Personally define all 8 categories that create a healthy life balance. And I don’t mean find a self-help book or cookie cutter sample and try to live by those examples. You have to truly go through each category and make it apply to you, your desires, your needs. Seriously, defining health requires diving into 6 First, spirituality is very personal. Then, life planning is dependent on what stage of life you are in. Family generally presents you with unique situations and relationships to evaluate. Recreation and social aspects, which generally go hand in hand, can come with specific barriers. Development is usually discounted but important in past, present and future tense. Finally, work is an area that takes open minded considerations.
  2. Know what you value. This might look like morals and ethics for some while others might gravitate to faith and a higher power. I know many that simply value mental clarity and are willing to do what it takes to protect their intellectual being.
  3. Maintain autonomy. Of course, this is what I am talking about achieving. Self-sufficiency and independence, but on a mind, body, spirit level. I don’t mean stop caring for others; I mean start caring for yourself first. This will pave the way for you to maintain fulfilling those needs.
  4. Develop all 4 key boundaries. These are your protective filters. They allow you to let in, take on, or send out, only what serves you. I recommend learning each one and identifying all the areas that they are useful. What are they, exactly? The first is, obviously, the physical. Second and third are internal and external, which protect you and others from what comes in or goes out. The fourth is temporal, which is your emotional safety net.
  5. Set and maintain effective limits. These are your hard, fast stopping points. They apply to you and others who are affected by you. You must know that if they are ignored, you will fall off the metaphoric cliff.
  6. Know your personal limitations and honor them. This one sounds easier than it is. This is where impulse control and discipline are truly needed. You must be willing to deal with the real thoughts of, “I must take only enough cash to cover what I need,” or, “I can’t take my credit card because I always overspend when I go to the store.”
  7. Be an active listener. If you are thinking about what you are going to say next before you have heard the entire message, you are planning an incomplete, inaccurate, and reactive response. This generally skews thoughts, feelings and opinions in a negative direction, which is something you don’t want.
  8. Validate assumptions. You have to learn how to validate your assumptions first. When you do this, you can then evaluate your response and its intentions before you deliver it.
  9. Operate from your intuitive mind. This is an amazing combination of your rational and emotional mind. And when the skill to hear it is developed, it allows for something so much greater to emerge.
  10. Learn emotion regulation and distress tolerance. It is a much better look when you function from your adult responsive brain than your adolescent reactive brain.

 

The bottom line is that, at the end of the day, you have to have a firm grip on your life. You cannot be so lost in others that you lose yourself. Learning to say no and realizing that you cannot be everything to everyone will make a world of difference in your life. Love ‘em and let ‘em go. The new you will be ever-grateful.

If you wish to reconnect with life, gain a renewed sense of self, and develop personal control, simply call me, Tricia Parido, International Master Addictions Coach and Certified Life Coach at (805) 710-2513 or submit a contact form from the website for a free consultation from a Certified Recovery Coach and Interventionist: www.turningleavesrecovery.com.

 

 

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With more than two decades of solid experience, combined with the personal attributes of passion, compassion, advocacy, objectivity and honesty, Tricia Parido, a certified addictions specialist and master life coach, is on the front lines of making life better for those who so desire. Her primary practice focus at Turning Leaves Recovery, Life, and Wellness Coaching is women, and she specializes in post treatment as a Master Addiction Coach, Addiction Treatment Counselor, Intervention Professional and Professional Case Manager. Tricia is ever-committed to providing quality service in a manner that motivates individuals to achieve their full potential, return to a level of functioning that will provide them with great self-worth, and conquer the stigma and shame that generally arise when individuals seek recovery support.  In her spare time, Parido enjoys spending quality time with her husband, their five children, four grandchildren, and their two dogs.  Her hobbies include Pilates, window shopping and engaging with like-minded people.